


Worth the Shitpost

by zenAndroid



Category: Original Work
Genre: Absurd, Dank Memes, Metafiction, NaNoWriMo, surreal memes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 03:31:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21331564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zenAndroid/pseuds/zenAndroid
Summary: The ants jimmy, watch out for the ants they know more than they let on they are actually not what they seem[void RGB_IRQHandler(void);]int**** yes;****yes = 1;A tale of surreal times.A tale of https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surreal_number, you know intel has this thing in HP laptops where the lightning level changes for every window depending on the background color or something and now every window has its own damn lightning level and its like bro wassup everytime i alt-tab my eyes pray for the blood god to eat their asses and its just so painkful y'know ?





	Worth the Shitpost

"I'm stuck", said the voice.

"Go to sleep, you'll probably feel better after that, and have a clearer idea of what to do, but remember, don't do this often-"

"this? What do you mean by this?" said Him.

"- you know exactly what if talking about, stop overusing it or it *is* going to backfire"

"Let it backfire, at this point I don't particularly care"

"Understandable have a great night"

And then, the lights went out.

_ **A few moments later** _

"Good morning, sunshine", said the determinant of the 7x(69+420i) matrix.

"Hey," said I, while standing up from my cozy bed.

"Come on babe, get up quickly, you have a visitor whose waiting for you"

"A visitor? Interesting, who might it be ?"

"Hey, my name's Jimmy, I come here to tell you the horrific nature of space-time and the eventual inevitable decay of all the matter that exists in this universe, and I also come to tell of you of ... things ..." said Jimmy.

As he was saying 'things' a weird set of shapes appeared next to him and around him, each shape was a purple letter of some lexicon, I think maybe it was Japanese ?

I think

"Cool, let's pour us some tea while you deliver the news"

Deliver, verb, delivery, noun

Not  
no  
he can't  
deliver deviler diliver,

DE LIVER - DE NOVO LIPO GENESIS  
ers he eats them he's horrifying I cant no it consumes me I cant

"I do not like sugar in my tea, so if it does not inconvenience you I would like to have some pure hot leaf juice"

"I shall deliver the ju-" I started.

"NO,' started a spooked Jimmy, "DONT USE THAT WORD AGAIN, PLEASE"

Jimmy sure is a weird fella, but ok.

"Understandable, although I would quite like it if I understood just _precisely_ what makes you dislike this term"

"I will explain, soon, pour us some tea and get to the point of this fucking nanowrimo thing already god damn it man look at all of the time you're wasting for the people who HoOOT HHooOOT are taking the time to read this"

"Whatever that means ... "

Weird fella indeed.

"'Whatever that means ?' You mean you're not a higher-dimensional bean whose aware of its entire existence being a simulation of a fictional story (story? novel? short story? I don't know yet, but stick around and I'm sure you'll find out) ? Weird decision the author took but ok I guess trying to make things a teeny bit less intractable is sensible enough, but remember zen, you are nothing, you never hold your promises, and I dunno why I am insulting you now but hey I don't make the calls, you do, and the fact that you made me say this says a lot more about your rather incompetent strategy of insulting yourself rather than helping yourself, also this is intractable your life is intractable capitalism is intractable how are you going to support a narrative out of meta fictional monologues no please stop its not funny I am losing my breath here you haven't even included a comma for me to pause, please, oh thanks but can you please add a few more those weren't enough why are we here just to suffer I don't under-"

So ...

Jimmy is a delusional, mental, and generally crazy individual huh?

Most importantly however, he was losing his breath at the end there and almost collapsed, so I let him actually collapse and fall, I think that gave him a concussion, surely it will help offset the crazy, I figured.

A few femtoseconds (a femtosecond is basically a smol slice of a second, but you knew that already you little cutie you) passed, Jimmy woke up.

"-stand the things that go through such a-"

"Jimmy, jimmy, hey ... JIMMY LISTEN!" I whispered.

"What do you want to say to me, old friend of the sea?", he looked me in the eyes, and so did I, quite beautiful eyes to be honest, I almost wanted t

"Are you having delusions? Are you mentally deranged? I need to know this Jimmy because I can't be going on an Adventure with someone I don't know."

"Well, it's not like *that* piece of shit is competent enough to portray mental illness or anything, so I don't really know the answer to that myself," he said.

Then he added, "Look man you know what its midnight you should sleep"

"What it's the middle of the day how is it-"

"Wasn't talking to you man, and GODAMMINT ZEN WHAT IS THIS, 'I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE ONE SINGLE FUCKING PARAGRAPH AND CAN ONLY WRITE STORIES IN DIALOGUE ; THE SHITPOST'? write some damn words dammit", Jimmy ejaculated.

"Well, this is ... intractable huh ? Listen I do not feel like this was productive and I'd like it if you actually told me ... you know .. *things*."

"... things ... " Jimmy said.

"Tha-"

"A PARAGRAPH ZEN. CAN. YOU. WRITE IT?"

"no" boomed a voice inside jimmy's left testicle.

"Jimmy I'm leaving"

"Wait no don't go I need to actually tell you some things"

"o ok"

Jimmy and I then sat down in the salon with a very cute tea set that my mom bought me once, and I gave him the unsweetened tea he asked for while I was sipping on my own, unsweetened tea as well because who actually consumes sugar when science says that sugar is like bad for you and it is technically a toxin, and did you see how it is metabolized in the liver oh my god it's just so very sad how we don't care for our body organs and how sad must they be working literally 27 hours a second but still seeing us ruining the shit out of everything and what do you mean i'm anthropomorphizing dead meat how could you this is unacceptable #CANCEL_RANDOM_READER_NO_#RNG-goes-here] you are the problem and I just got scared over the fact that I am using up all my funny junk in this first chapt-.

Wait, hold up, wait a minute.

Why did I just got scared? And over what?

Before finishing that train of thought, Jimmy interrupted me, rather suspiciously well-timed interruption, if I say so myself.

"This tea set is quite exquisite I must say" he said.

...

...

He didn't add anything to that so I resumed my train of thought.

Oh yes, I was scared for a moment there and I don't remember exactly why, hmm this needs a few moments of intense thonking, there was a very weird feeling that accompanied that feeling that I can only start to describe as resembling that feeling when you felt like you slept for one femtosecond but you actually slept for several hours, like losing consciousness and feeling betrayed that you don't remember any of it.

[BTW, feeling feeling feeling is a weird feeling, y'know ?]

This is kind of pretty fucked bro.

I feel violated like somebody fucked with my mind and this is just spook.

Wait, hold up, wait a minute.

Why the fuck did I make that weird-ass logic leap to that crazy ass conclusion ?

Shit I don't know what the milk is sagging my tits right now.

"Listen", Jimmy said, startling me as I was lost in thought.

"Listen buddy, the reason I came here today to meet you was to let you know that we will be on a mission"

"A mission?"

"Yeah, we will be journeying into lands unknown to achieve things no one has ever achieved, ever,", he started.

A light emitting invisible memetic entity appeared out of nowhere and ate my ass.

"Ow my ass", I said.

"Entities like those we will meet, abominations like Him we shall cross, and we must be the ones witnessing it all, we must for we must."

"Nice, hey can we go to the hospital there's a hole where my ass used to be."

"Where we're going we wont be needing hospitals son where we're going we'll need healthcare institutions the likes of which EVEN the most coordinated utopia on earth won't be able to provide-"

"So will we go to them, please my ass really got got"

"No, no we won't cause we can't homeboy, don't worry however I'm not sure zen is looking for world building how its like to live life without an ass so I'd say you'll have your ass back in no time, so don't you worry about hospitals and stuff this is not going to be that kind of morbid story, I hope"

A couple of butterflies whispered something about narrative causality then merged back in with the heavy-neutrinos.

"Shut the fuck up zen you don't have the balls to do it I fucking dare you to raise the stakes that high"

"Jimmy talk to me goddammit and stop talking to that 'zen' imaginary friend you have, what is the plan for both of us right now cause honestly I'm starting to get a bit frustrated here."

"I can't reliably say, zen hasn't done even a vague outline of what the plot of the universe, the incompetent."

"the plot of what now?"

"It should, at least, include Him and his Evil Ways, I think it will also include some ant colonies that will play a major role somehow, but other than that, I really can't start speculating for fear of <strike>SETTING PEOPLE'S EXPECTATIONS</strike> beeying wrong"

"Oookay ... , well at least I got *some* information out of you so I suppose this wasn't a total failure," I began.

"But what I gather mostly is what you are probably going through some psychotic breakdown and some ... "

As I was talking, a bloody fetus came running towards us and Jimmy began slowly walking towards it as well, I was annoyed at these well-timed interruptions but I followed him and listened as as he started talking.

"Drop your arm-chair prognosis of me, or was it diagnosis?, shruggu, I think that my aborted kid is here to deliv ..."

"Oh man, you had to abort your baby, that sucks man I'm sorry about that," I started, experiencing that is never a funny or pleasant experience for anyone involved, and I don't think the people who makes joke about it deserve anything."

"Well, we didn't _have_ to, it's just what happened because it was inconvenient for me to have the kid," Jimmy explained.

"Ah, okay, I ... understand .. I understand the situation I mean i'm not sure I agree with just aborting a human life just cause it's inconvenient, but i'm not going to spend time grieving it."

"You sound just like my girlfriend, you know she didn't actually want to abort the fucker, but she came around".

As Jimmy said this, he looked up at the horizon and smiled, as if remembering a pleasant memory.

"Oh yeah? how did she come around? I'd like to know, maybe it'll change my perspective, no use in sticking to bad opinions if I can have them challenged in the free marketplace of ideas" I was honestly quite interested in knowing this, maybe it'll help me understand the character of Jimmy better.

"Yeah well see the thing is, .. I had to do it myself"

"Ah, you mean you had to convince her yourself?" I interpreted.

"No, well ... err ... hehehe I guess you can say so"

"Tell me the secret then, how did you change her mind on such a self-defining personality trait with your probably negative-IQ?"

Jimmy smiled wide and his unsightly teeth showed.

"I had to abort the fucker myself with my dick while I was raping the bitch to death"

Holy shit bro what the fuck bro when how did this shit get so

Jimmy was practically drooling at this point.

Note to self: Jimmy is fucking crazy.

"I think he's here to offer us some news, and I have a vague suspicion that this piece of news concerns us"

The little bloody meat thing was able to walk, in some fashion, somehow, if you looked at it the right angle.

As it (he/she/xe/foo/bar/quux ??) approached, itHeSheFooBarQuux started screeching with a voice that could be heard from ((sqrt(3)+1)/(75i)) Astronomical Units away, I faintly recalled something about larynx volume and sound capacity, but those thoughts have been quieted by the god-awful shrieking of this things please god im sorry to say it but just kill it please ow ouch owie my ears.

Unlike me, however, Jimmy was listening and behaving in such a way that it was evident that he *understood* what the little shit was .. 'saying', and after a while, he looked gravely at me and announced the nooz noose news to me.

"Well, dear friend, I thought we had time to get to know each other more, but things are getting started sooner than I expected ... "

He looked sorrowfully at the ground thinking of something, being a lot more melancholy than I ever saw him, which admittedly wasn't that much, but it seemed uncharacteristic of him.

"Jimmy, ... tell me .. what's going on Jimmy?"

"Jimmy looked me in the eyes as he", I started.

"What the fuck," I said, "Did I just hear or say my thoughts out loud, that's fucking terrifying, imagine a society of people who had their thoughts public holy shit"

After a second of thinking I started correcting myself.

'Well I mean I guess it sounds fucking bizarre to me because I have this weird monkey brain and I can't actually compare between the biology and so on and so forth, since if I was born in a universe or a world where there was evolutionary pressure to do that weird thing, I wouldn't find it weird at all"

"But still bro, spooks <strike>bro</strike> MAN."

Jimmy was looking at the horizon not listening to me at all.

I walked up to him and repeated, "Jimmy, ... tell me .. what's going on Jimmy?"

Jimmy sighed, looked at me with empty eyes.

"He's coming." he started.

"He comes forth and brings His Evil Blasphemous Ways."

Looking at me with, and I shit you not, fuzzy watery eyes (it was truly surprising to see him this scared, and even somewhat more surprising that I *was* surprised in the first place)

"And it scares me, it terrifies me the exact same way hearing you say the word 'deliver' terrifies me."

"Woah that's still relevant, nice!"

"Yes it still is relevant actually and it is because of Him that it terrifies so"

"A-A-And I..I really wish it was just some silly haha zalgo or tony the pony meme or some regex expressions trying to consume HTML"

"But it's not bro"

His crying started to bleed into his speech, whatever the fuck this means, but you get the idea I hope ok.

"Its not some hyper-dimensional eldritch multi-planar threat to existence, it's not some Kafka-esque absurdity that even the absurdest web-novel or SCP entry would try to document"

"Oh how I wish it were bro"

"How I wish it were"

"It's much more subtle than that"

He remained quiet after that statement.

"Dark times are ahead, friend," He said with puffy eyes, "Dark times."

"Bro what the fuck you can speak with your puffy eyes that's terrifying"

"Yes it s terrifying, but everything is terrifying up in this bitch, you'll get used to it"

"Nothing is as terrifying as what we're about to see, sea-friend"

"For He comes"

"And he brings with him all of his Blasphemous Ways"

"The end is nigh"

**Author's Note:**

> plz like nd subKribe and support on pay-treeon !
> 
> ...  
.
> 
> i dont have a link , just send thoughts and prayers please and thank you


End file.
